I was supposed to write how much I loved Mumbai, and what I might have learned or observed in March. However, I haven’t written anything in a while so my memories are mixed.
So, rather than writing two separate blogs, I am gonna compile everything here. Cheers to another messy blog. I am trying super hard to publish something every month to keep this going on. Why?
I was having a conversation with a friend in Lodhi Garden, and she casually mentioned how when I first started this newsletter, I sent her a draft and how much I have grown because now I barely ask anyone to read it.
I knew why I was writing this newsletter, but I had forgotten how I started. Do you also feel that the meaning of everything changes with time? I definitely do.
I started because I was finding my corner of the sky. Now, I have found it, and no longer think about the significance of it.
Here are a few things I wrote in the last 2 months:
An image comes to my mind:
Every time I see my maa around the balcony, I get triggered (& wonder the ways I can save her if she gets slipped) and keep looking at her, wanting to make sure she gets back safely to the room. She is smart enough to take care of herself. My home is a safe place. There is no way she could get slipped. I still get triggered.
I wasn’t like this from the beginning. I was never in these imaginations. I remember the time I got my first known panic attack because there were riots in Delhi and I heard a rumor that it was around my home, I was terrified for my maa. The worst part is during times when you want an urgent update, calls don’t get connected, I was barely 20 mins away and I was restless, was pukish, and couldn’t sit on the bus (I was coming by bus), and a month later, covid happened. It got more difficult to leave her alone and go anywhere. Now every time I go away even for a few days, all I think about is if she is feeling okay without me. Tbh, my family is so kind and lovable, she won’t miss me too much. I still wonder though.
Small incidents do a lot to you. Accept it or not. Those things happened. Every human you meet, and every interaction you had, changes how you see things. Changes things. Trauma or not, it does change you. In a good or bad way? No idea. But it does change you.
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Bombay
I entered the city and I became the main character. Experiencing Bombay in a car, roaming around the roads around Gateway of India - seeing how busy the city is and how free the city is at the same time.
Cab drivers have all the time in the world, whereas people going around are in a hurry. Most people choose not to talk about politics, but like Delhites would tell you different reasons why choosing their city is a better choice.
In the food department, they have some awesome basic dishes like Upma, Poha, and Sabudana - my family still misses all three. Apparently, finding good chai in Bombay is an art that we couldn’t learn.
Tall buildings and their sea link have my heart. Seeing the skyline every day was my favorite part. Sunsets on the beaches are another experience when you can see those tall buildings too. I didn’t know I would fall in love with the tall buildings. Bombay has a part of my heart.
A lot of people asked me if I’d move to Bombay, and I said no, obviously. Bombay has everything that one can fall in love with, however, it lacks Delhi’s vibe.
I am living in Delhi since birth, and every time I go out, I could feel like I am a traveler in my own city. I can feel it’s my home and unknown too. I walk like the city is registered in my name, and explore like I am new here. I feel like I belong here. Just here. Nowhere else.
Bombay wasn’t on my bucket list but it was on my maa’s bucket list. We all had fun. Something I wrote around cities after visiting Bombay:
“I love love. I love that the love I feel for places (other than Delhi) is so different and so motivating. I want to go there. I get so hopeful about the possibilities. I see people. I see random aunties smiling when you ask them something that they didn’t expect. I love when you talk to local people and they tell you why you would love their city. I love how their tales show how they found calm in the chaos.”
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Do you like your childhood version?
A world full of love is what I fantasize about every day. Most of my dreams are filled with someone falling in love or finding their love. Maybe I want my world to be filled with love. Maybe I want my people to be filled with love. Maybe I just want myself to be filled with love.
So much love that when I find out about a cute love story, I could cry happy tears. The amount of love that can make me feel emotions that I don’t get to feel most days.
I see so many people wanting to be kids again. To be honest, I don’t want to go back there. My childhood was amazing. However, I wasn’t a nice or kind kid. I don’t like my childhood version. I love that that version was so free of judgments, free of responsibilities, but I don’t like the consequences of it.
I don’t want to go back. Someone I know casually mentioned one day how they have noticed that I don’t get satisfied easily. That label destroyed a few good moments of my life. How? Because, now everyone was looking at me like that including me. Even on the days when I was satisfied I used to ask myself if it was real or if I was just fooling myself.
Generally, I am a satisfied person. However, I try to sleep like there is no tomorrow. That’s what makes me a bit unsatisfied every day. Not the tasks for today. Not the conversations for today. But, the tasks that I might be leaving for tomorrow - what if there is no tomorrow for me? The conversations that I couldn’t do.
Do you consider yourself a satisfied person?
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Are you a failure?
April was a happy but confusion-filled month. I always had pending tasks. I got sick twice - right before going to Pune, and then right after coming back to Delhi.
Pune is a simple city. A city where you can find a busy life and a chill life too. You can opt for hustling by moving there for identity. Or you can move there to find the silence that you don’t find in your hometown.
Bombay and Pune both are Maharashtrian cities. However, one doesn’t sleep at all, and another loves its afternoon nap more than anything.
My experience was a bit overwhelming, a bit crazy, and another level wholesome. I forgot to try Misal Pav though.
One auto uncle guessed that I was from Delhi. When I asked him how, he said, “Delhi and Mumbai ki ladkiya alag se pta chal jati hai”. I took it as a compliment and mentioned the same to him, and he said he meant it as a compliment only. I was having this conversation at 11:45ish with him. He used to come to Delhi a lot. He told me his old stories about Chandni Chowk, and asked me about the reality behind NCR stories - I told him the truth.
Just a wholesome conversation with the wholesome uncle. I love how I always find some wholesome moments with local people wherever I go.
I tried the mystery room and failed miserably with the friend I went with. A message to people who organize the mystery rooms - Bro, you gotta give a bit of space to the participant to use their brains. We did solve some of the puzzles, but before we could do something about it, we got the solution.
Only if life was that easy.
“Oh, you are stuck? Here take the hint.” “Oh, you can’t complete this, don’t worry, do this, and go to the next level.”
All life gives you is a generalized failure tag. When you want to justify it, all you find is a race to win the conversation between your logical and emotional reasoning.
Are you a failure? How did you conclude that?
Thanks for reading! If you like it, then share, comment, like, or just DM me if you have something to share that is troubling you - I will not give you gyaan or anything but I’ll be there to read it and listen to you!
2023 is going to be awesome for all of us! Learn a new skill - I am failing, but you please go, and do it. Hoping you took plenty of naps last year. So, dedicate this year to dancing, eating, and having fun!
Your maa would be so proud of you aditi.